Thinking Man's Quarterback.

It is him. Internet searches for God, Thinking Man's Quarterback, and neck-beard will all find this man the very first result.

What is little understood at this juncture of the National Football League season is the tremendous level of Mr. Kyle Orton's play. Efficient team leadership is, unfortunately, a commodity of little real value in the NFL, no matter how often you will hear otherwise, particularly in reference to Brett Favre (leadership) and Peyton Manning (efficiency). All of which, presumably, is no particular concern for Mr. Orton, who will (SS believes) continue his un-ostentatious yet solid play.

Another Conversation with Ty Cobb.

Sportsmen's Sketches: Mr. Cobb, would you give us your thoughts on the first quarter of the Major League Baseball season?

Ty Cobb: Well, them Cubs look good. Damn right they do, and they may even deserve to win it. I was a goddamn third year player last time they did.

SS: Mr. Cobb, you must be disappointed with the poor start of the much-ballyhooed Detroit Tigers.

TC: Look, I like that Leyland. It's too bad he's got a bunch of goddamn p*ssies on his club. You tell me you go out and get some expensive "All-Stars" and they already 10 games under and I'll tell you them f*ckers'd be better off on the bench knitting scarves for their goddamn mothers. Sh*t put them on the field, least they'd have some real men out there.

SS: Mr. Cobb, could you give us your thoughts on the Roger Clemens scandal?

TC: I'll tell you right now that kid could throw the sh*t out of the ball. Was he cheating? Goddamn right he was. Does every player cheat? Goddamnit, they did in my day. That's why they call it a game. But I'll tell you one thing, you make a dumbass Texan think that he's the king of all god's creation, then you get a dumbass Texan babbling and blaming god knows who with his thumb whoever's ass he can find, including his own.

SS: Thank you, Mr. Cobb.

TC: Don't thank me, boy. And tell that Lueker his ass is mine.

Football Sunday.

See inside here there are black walls with black paint and florescent lights, and there is beer and football.

You wouldn't be out of place at the University of Illinois, but you're here now Junior Year Abroad because it isn't Europe and you've got to know that you're the one doing something that isn't Europe.

See now you wouldn't be out of place on Long Island, but you're here now protecting the country by protecting the people who represent the country. I guard the ambassador's residence

but come here to watch the Giants play on Sunday, It's a little bit of home here in the mountain thin air that I can't breathe. Call me Sarge.ant. Call me the person that comes to a place called the Bar to watch the Giants play on Sunday while my wife and kids don't know what to do with themselves here where they do not have anything that they can remember specifically. Call me the guy who'll always talk about my college baseball career freshman year to any other guy that I see that can understand because they're not big baseball fans around here They name all of their streets after dates here and drink hot drink out of broken bottles, but they still use American dollars. I prefer this neighborhood, because I'm thinking that it's because this is where the white people come to when they come here for a little bit of home.

See now, I'm dating that little girl bartending, she likes me because I'm American, she likes me because I look rich to her. I am rich to her. I come from Illinois Junior Year Abroad program, I could've gone to Europe but everybody goes to Europe and plus it's so cheap here. A lot of junk here though and a lot of my friends went to Europe because Amsterdam is so close to anywhere you could go.

Can I have anther Pilsener please. In fact, could I have another four Pilseners please, the Patriots are playing at three and I need a good three hours to get good and drunk before the game so that I can forget about how much I care about this game. 12 and 0 baby, 12 and 0 and no one around here even knows what that means to me. I know what it means to me and to the hometown I'm trying hard not to forget the pictures of even though the game is in Miami today, only three hours ahead of us. Three is the number, see? Better make it three Pilseners for now, the fourth can't be far behind.

See now the question isn't about being or not being out of place somewhere where you are, because you have no school or guard duty to be here for or on to. See now that there aren't any questions really worth asking these guys here bring me bring me bring me another Pilsener please and one of them real hamburgers

See now, can I have another Pilsener please? Una otra por favor? Thank you. Jeez these are big bottles.

See now, what brings you down here man? Well, just here. Just seeing. The mountains and the thin air. I can't breathe this thin air man, not like it was now I'm older not like when I was the catcher in college. I bet you were the catcher, man What? No just saying I don't think Manning is worth a shit man. How'd you end up here, man? This where they sent me, another Pilsener por favorrr, gotta catch up with Patriotman. This where they sent me, been here for three years now, don't mind it much especially this area (where all the white people come to when they come here).

See Patriotman's already good and drunk already

Say man you go by Sample's last weekend for that barbecue it was fucking dope we had all these little girls there his mom flew in some sauce

See man, we got a good crew here this fall even though some are Redskins fans and that kid Titans fan don't talk to anybody when the Titans are on but I think that it makes people like him more for it.

Say man that shithead Roddy's coming back nest weekend we gotta do it up right Say man I even watch the Patties when I'm out on the oil rig I got that shit hooked up man fucking beamed in from space so I can see Brady's bunches

Say man I'm just waiting for my girlfriend to run some errands and then we're going on down to Baňos tonight. Yeah man, I'm glad I found some football down here though I know the Bears lost last night (Otra por favor?). But oh well it's so beautiful here in that it doesn't matter here in the Andes it's so sheer Sheer my ass it's a fucking little person country see here but I protect the ambassador's residence so you should call me Sarge.ant soldier I ain't a soldier I'm a nothing but Semper Fi anyways. I'm Army man I ain't no Roughneck, hey man sorry about that, no need to be but mas Pilsener mi amor, por favor mi amor man this shit is cheap. Man I'm old if I was that kid from Illinois I'd be all over that shit too.

See now inside here there are black walls with black paint shit's cheap but even this shit down here in the Mariscal is expensive (because it's where the white people come when they come here) but hey man it's all all all the same anyways.

Say man tell your little girl friend una otra por favor the Jints just scored another one on the Birdies. The Jints'll win it this year I believe it the Jints ain't winning shit this year with that Halloweeeen boy mask at quarterback scared fucker fuck you man wait to see what happens man. Hey man I don't want a fight, hell no you don't not with the Sarge.ant.

Say man I tell I played baseball in college (definitely the catcher now) man, so I know what it's like to compete and I know what emotion is like and I know what success and failure are like (Una mas) and I'll tell you something else, I can see that you do too.

Say, what do you guys think of the country here?

As little as possible.

The Decision.

There is now a torrent of sportswriting and sports talking and guys talking and self-congratulation of Liverpool’s perceived ill-gotten penalty kick in the final minutes of their Champions League Semifinal Match with Arsenal. Many believed Arsenal’s failure in the game was the result of the penalty kick awarded by referee Peter Frojdfelt to Liverpool’s Ryan Babel in the game’s 83^rd minute. You will read:

Arsenal lost because of a soft penalty kick awarded to Ryan Babel.

or,:

Liverpool won the match due to an penalty kick decision.

or:

The match was decided in the 83^rd minute free kick decision.

or:

I thought we were hard done by with that decision, and we lost the match.

SS believes this unbearable truth to be very circumstantial, or perhaps superficial. SS saw the decision in question. However, SS believes that Arsenal did not lose the game, but that Liverpool won the game. Liverpool looked the better team throughout. Their angles were sharp, their spacing excellent, all more apparent because Arsenal did not play well. Arsenal did not play well. They did not lose because of a penalty kick decision. In fact, Arsenal fans' collective cry should not focus on penalty kicks but perhaps on lack of defensive concentration and small squad fatigue, or perhaps on Arsenal's inability to cope with Steven Gerrard’s powerful presence in the midfield. SS would prefer not to become semantic, or technical, however. It simply believes it folly to reduce a soccer match from tens of thousands of wondrously instantaneous and instinctual actions to one, and extends its congratulations to Liverpool for winning the match.

The face of Bill Shankly was seen in the moon that night.

Letters to the Editor.

Dear SS-

The NBA in OK city! Finally! WHOO-OOO! We waited for it, and now we get it! Seattle don't deserve a team anymore, won't even build a new arena for 'em. Bring it on!

OK with the OK City Sonics in Ardmore, OK.

Dear OK-

SS is aware of the financial viability of relocating the Seattle Sonics. This will make money, presumably, because presumably the NBA would not consider a relocation without considering the money it will generate.

SS, however, objects:

SS believes fans in Oklahoma are excited at the prospect of supporting an NBA franchise. Fans in Oklahoma. And that is all. To say that NBA basketball fandom at large is excited by this prospect is surely wrong. It even suspects that a sizeable majority of Oklahoma is excited only by an abstract idea of an NBA franchise, thinking that perhaps it will lend national importance to a region that currently has very little. SS also recognizes the fallacy in assuming that a region with strong links to college basketball programs will automatically forge strong links with an NBA franchise. The Charlotte Hornets (and now Bobcats) will agree with SS, as will the Memphis Grizzlies.

The second objection is infinitely more important. SS believes the NBA is failing. It is failing itself. It is failing to create excitement, it is failing in providing anything of substance on or off the basketball court. Perhaps it has grown too large, perhaps it is making too much money. There is no single or simple reason why, nor is SS seeking one. It is merely enough to note the astounding lack of energy, or inertia, attendant in NBA basketball games. It is merely enough to wonder why SS cannot bear to think of the NBA of the 1980s and 1990s without cringing in remembrance of things past. (Please note, however, that SS is not advocating unnecessary nostalgia, nor will it ever. It strives to look not to the past, nor the future, nor even necessarily to the present, but to sports as they could be, and are in rare golden moments.)

SS does not understand how the relocation of the Seattle Sonics to Oklahoma is a positive step in this context. To conclude, SS will share Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban's thoughts regarding the matter (Mr. Cuban provided the sole vote against the relocation, approved by NBA franchise owners 29-1):

"My prejudice is against having a Dust Bowl Division... My preference is that they stay in Seattle. That's my preference."

SS.

..........

Dear Sportsmen's Sketches:

What the hell is this Ty Cobb bulls***?

C. Lueker, NY, NY.


Dear Mr. Lueker-

Better ask Mr. Cobb himself:

Ty Cobb: I kicked your ass once, and I'll kick it again you motherf*****.

SS.

Basketball.

There is now a torrent of sportswriting and sports talking and guys talking and self-congratulation of Memphis's inability to convert free throws in the final minutes of the NCAA Championship game. Before the NCAA Tournament began, many believed Memphis's chances in the tournament would be compromised by poor free throw shooting. You will read:

Memphis lost because they could not convert free throws in the final minutes.

or, before the Tournament:

Memphis will not win because they cannot make free throws.

or:

Chris Douglas-Roberts and Derrick Rose missed four of five free throw attempts in the final minutes, and Memphis could not win.

or:

I thought we were about to cut down the nets, but we could not convert free throws.

SS believes this unbearable truth to be very circumstantial, or perhaps superficial. SS saw that Memphis did not make free throws. However, SS believes that Memphis did not lose the game, but that Kansas won the game. Kansas looked the better team throughout. Their angles were sharp, their spacing excellent, all the more apparent because Memphis did not play well. Memphis did not play well. They did not lose because they did not make free throws. In fact, the sports fans' collective cry should not focus on missed free throws, but perhaps on offensive disorganization and unnecessary fouls, or perhaps on Memphis's inability to defend lob passes and screen and rolls. SS would prefer not to become semantic, or technical, however. It merely extends its congratulations to Kansas for winning the basketball game.

The face of James Naismith may be seen in the moon tonight.

Conversation with Ty Cobb.

Ty Cobb: The bosses seem coming down hard on the boys for trying to get a leg up.

SS: Mr. Cobb, it's illegal.

Ty Cobb: My ass is illegal.

SS: I hope so. But Mr. Cobb, we've read time and again about the distinctions between your time and now, and they don't always apply.

Ty Cobb: You think ballplayers are different now than we were? You think that?

SS: Yes, I do.

Ty Cobb: You may be right. But it don't come down to money, I tell you that. The number's bigger now, but it don't matter. The boys still got to go out and play. They still got to win.

SS: In a sense, yes.

Ty Cobb: What sense you mean?

SS: Only that I'm not entirely convinced that all ballplayers play to win every game.

Ty Cobb: You think it was that way in my time? You think they're all like me? That's why I'm Ty Cobb, dammit. They weren't all like me. You didn't see me stuffing my fat ass like Babe Ruth 'fore every game.

SS: I don't think I'd say that Babe Ruth didn't play to win, Mr. Cobb.

Ty Cobb: Bullshit. Lou Gehrig was a ballplayer. Ruth was a walking garbage bin, God rest his soul. All of ours.