Sportsmen's Sketches: Mr. Cobb, would you give us your thoughts on the first quarter of the Major League Baseball season?
Ty Cobb: Well, them Cubs look good. Damn right they do, and they may even deserve to win it. I was a goddamn third year player last time they did.
SS: Mr. Cobb, you must be disappointed with the poor start of the much-ballyhooed Detroit Tigers.
TC: Look, I like that Leyland. It's too bad he's got a bunch of goddamn p*ssies on his club. You tell me you go out and get some expensive "All-Stars" and they already 10 games under and I'll tell you them f*ckers'd be better off on the bench knitting scarves for their goddamn mothers. Sh*t put them on the field, least they'd have some real men out there.
SS: Mr. Cobb, could you give us your thoughts on the Roger Clemens scandal?
TC: I'll tell you right now that kid could throw the sh*t out of the ball. Was he cheating? Goddamn right he was. Does every player cheat? Goddamnit, they did in my day. That's why they call it a game. But I'll tell you one thing, you make a dumbass Texan think that he's the king of all god's creation, then you get a dumbass Texan babbling and blaming god knows who with his thumb whoever's ass he can find, including his own.
SS: Thank you, Mr. Cobb.
TC: Don't thank me, boy. And tell that Lueker his ass is mine.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Football Sunday.
See inside here there are black walls with black paint and florescent lights, and there is beer and football.
You wouldn't be out of place at the University of Illinois, but you're here now Junior Year Abroad because it isn't Europe and you've got to know that you're the one doing something that isn't Europe.
See now you wouldn't be out of place on Long Island, but you're here now protecting the country by protecting the people who represent the country. I guard the ambassador's residence
but come here to watch the Giants play on Sunday, It's a little bit of home here in the mountain thin air that I can't breathe. Call me Sarge.ant. Call me the person that comes to a place called the Bar to watch the Giants play on Sunday while my wife and kids don't know what to do with themselves here where they do not have anything that they can remember specifically. Call me the guy who'll always talk about my college baseball career freshman year to any other guy that I see that can understand because they're not big baseball fans around here They name all of their streets after dates here and drink hot drink out of broken bottles, but they still use American dollars. I prefer this neighborhood, because I'm thinking that it's because this is where the white people come to when they come here for a little bit of home.
See now, I'm dating that little girl bartending, she likes me because I'm American, she likes me because I look rich to her. I am rich to her. I come from Illinois Junior Year Abroad program, I could've gone to Europe but everybody goes to Europe and plus it's so cheap here. A lot of junk here though and a lot of my friends went to Europe because Amsterdam is so close to anywhere you could go.
Can I have anther Pilsener please. In fact, could I have another four Pilseners please, the Patriots are playing at three and I need a good three hours to get good and drunk before the game so that I can forget about how much I care about this game. 12 and 0 baby, 12 and 0 and no one around here even knows what that means to me. I know what it means to me and to the hometown I'm trying hard not to forget the pictures of even though the game is in Miami today, only three hours ahead of us. Three is the number, see? Better make it three Pilseners for now, the fourth can't be far behind.
See now the question isn't about being or not being out of place somewhere where you are, because you have no school or guard duty to be here for or on to. See now that there aren't any questions really worth asking these guys here bring me bring me bring me another Pilsener please and one of them real hamburgers
See now, can I have another Pilsener please? Una otra por favor? Thank you. Jeez these are big bottles.
See now, what brings you down here man? Well, just here. Just seeing. The mountains and the thin air. I can't breathe this thin air man, not like it was now I'm older not like when I was the catcher in college. I bet you were the catcher, man What? No just saying I don't think Manning is worth a shit man. How'd you end up here, man? This where they sent me, another Pilsener por favorrr, gotta catch up with Patriotman. This where they sent me, been here for three years now, don't mind it much especially this area (where all the white people come to when they come here).
See Patriotman's already good and drunk already
Say man you go by Sample's last weekend for that barbecue it was fucking dope we had all these little girls there his mom flew in some sauce
See man, we got a good crew here this fall even though some are Redskins fans and that kid Titans fan don't talk to anybody when the Titans are on but I think that it makes people like him more for it.
Say man that shithead Roddy's coming back nest weekend we gotta do it up right Say man I even watch the Patties when I'm out on the oil rig I got that shit hooked up man fucking beamed in from space so I can see Brady's bunches
Say man I'm just waiting for my girlfriend to run some errands and then we're going on down to Baňos tonight. Yeah man, I'm glad I found some football down here though I know the Bears lost last night (Otra por favor?). But oh well it's so beautiful here in that it doesn't matter here in the Andes it's so sheer Sheer my ass it's a fucking little person country see here but I protect the ambassador's residence so you should call me Sarge.ant soldier I ain't a soldier I'm a nothing but Semper Fi anyways. I'm Army man I ain't no Roughneck, hey man sorry about that, no need to be but mas Pilsener mi amor, por favor mi amor man this shit is cheap. Man I'm old if I was that kid from Illinois I'd be all over that shit too.
See now inside here there are black walls with black paint shit's cheap but even this shit down here in the Mariscal is expensive (because it's where the white people come when they come here) but hey man it's all all all the same anyways.
Say man tell your little girl friend una otra por favor the Jints just scored another one on the Birdies. The Jints'll win it this year I believe it the Jints ain't winning shit this year with that Halloweeeen boy mask at quarterback scared fucker fuck you man wait to see what happens man. Hey man I don't want a fight, hell no you don't not with the Sarge.ant.
Say man I tell I played baseball in college (definitely the catcher now) man, so I know what it's like to compete and I know what emotion is like and I know what success and failure are like (Una mas) and I'll tell you something else, I can see that you do too.
Say, what do you guys think of the country here?
As little as possible.
You wouldn't be out of place at the University of Illinois, but you're here now Junior Year Abroad because it isn't Europe and you've got to know that you're the one doing something that isn't Europe.
See now you wouldn't be out of place on Long Island, but you're here now protecting the country by protecting the people who represent the country. I guard the ambassador's residence
but come here to watch the Giants play on Sunday, It's a little bit of home here in the mountain thin air that I can't breathe. Call me Sarge.ant. Call me the person that comes to a place called the Bar to watch the Giants play on Sunday while my wife and kids don't know what to do with themselves here where they do not have anything that they can remember specifically. Call me the guy who'll always talk about my college baseball career freshman year to any other guy that I see that can understand because they're not big baseball fans around here They name all of their streets after dates here and drink hot drink out of broken bottles, but they still use American dollars. I prefer this neighborhood, because I'm thinking that it's because this is where the white people come to when they come here for a little bit of home.
See now, I'm dating that little girl bartending, she likes me because I'm American, she likes me because I look rich to her. I am rich to her. I come from Illinois Junior Year Abroad program, I could've gone to Europe but everybody goes to Europe and plus it's so cheap here. A lot of junk here though and a lot of my friends went to Europe because Amsterdam is so close to anywhere you could go.
Can I have anther Pilsener please. In fact, could I have another four Pilseners please, the Patriots are playing at three and I need a good three hours to get good and drunk before the game so that I can forget about how much I care about this game. 12 and 0 baby, 12 and 0 and no one around here even knows what that means to me. I know what it means to me and to the hometown I'm trying hard not to forget the pictures of even though the game is in Miami today, only three hours ahead of us. Three is the number, see? Better make it three Pilseners for now, the fourth can't be far behind.
See now the question isn't about being or not being out of place somewhere where you are, because you have no school or guard duty to be here for or on to. See now that there aren't any questions really worth asking these guys here bring me bring me bring me another Pilsener please and one of them real hamburgers
See now, can I have another Pilsener please? Una otra por favor? Thank you. Jeez these are big bottles.
See now, what brings you down here man? Well, just here. Just seeing. The mountains and the thin air. I can't breathe this thin air man, not like it was now I'm older not like when I was the catcher in college. I bet you were the catcher, man What? No just saying I don't think Manning is worth a shit man. How'd you end up here, man? This where they sent me, another Pilsener por favorrr, gotta catch up with Patriotman. This where they sent me, been here for three years now, don't mind it much especially this area (where all the white people come to when they come here).
See Patriotman's already good and drunk already
Say man you go by Sample's last weekend for that barbecue it was fucking dope we had all these little girls there his mom flew in some sauce
See man, we got a good crew here this fall even though some are Redskins fans and that kid Titans fan don't talk to anybody when the Titans are on but I think that it makes people like him more for it.
Say man that shithead Roddy's coming back nest weekend we gotta do it up right Say man I even watch the Patties when I'm out on the oil rig I got that shit hooked up man fucking beamed in from space so I can see Brady's bunches
Say man I'm just waiting for my girlfriend to run some errands and then we're going on down to Baňos tonight. Yeah man, I'm glad I found some football down here though I know the Bears lost last night (Otra por favor?). But oh well it's so beautiful here in that it doesn't matter here in the Andes it's so sheer Sheer my ass it's a fucking little person country see here but I protect the ambassador's residence so you should call me Sarge.ant soldier I ain't a soldier I'm a nothing but Semper Fi anyways. I'm Army man I ain't no Roughneck, hey man sorry about that, no need to be but mas Pilsener mi amor, por favor mi amor man this shit is cheap. Man I'm old if I was that kid from Illinois I'd be all over that shit too.
See now inside here there are black walls with black paint shit's cheap but even this shit down here in the Mariscal is expensive (because it's where the white people come when they come here) but hey man it's all all all the same anyways.
Say man tell your little girl friend una otra por favor the Jints just scored another one on the Birdies. The Jints'll win it this year I believe it the Jints ain't winning shit this year with that Halloweeeen boy mask at quarterback scared fucker fuck you man wait to see what happens man. Hey man I don't want a fight, hell no you don't not with the Sarge.ant.
Say man I tell I played baseball in college (definitely the catcher now) man, so I know what it's like to compete and I know what emotion is like and I know what success and failure are like (Una mas) and I'll tell you something else, I can see that you do too.
Say, what do you guys think of the country here?
As little as possible.
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